Izzy, Gabby, Intern Brian

Winners of both the games and the equally important “best dressed” competition, the frizzy-haired young Anne Hathaways used matching uniforms and unorthodox beer pong releases to win gold despite two shotgunning setbacks (one, a daring act of hubris; the other, an idiotic act of being a total idiot) and the adversity that comes with the fact that one of their members was nothing but a lowly intern.

Silver: BIRDDog Nation
Bronze: Petoria

Jon, Clara, Derek

Despite a last-second reshuffling of members and an incredibly difficult to spell name, the transitory residents of JFK’s Terminal 4 used hard-work, determination, and a nebulous attraction to Catherine Zeta-Jones to go from the lowest seed in the playoffs, all the way to the Gold medal, cementing themselves as champions and making Jon the first two-time medal winner in Beer Olympics history.

Silver: Flavortown
Bronze: Rajneeshpuram/Canada

Augie, Kevin, Max

Our first full travel team to attend the olympics, the lack of the existence of the Earth’s gravitational pull didn’t stop them from taking home the gold, winning a one-shot play-in to take their division, then taking the semis and finals in a fashion that was almost as epic as the 150-foot tall ice wall that surrounds the edge of the world and prevents us from falling into space.

Silver: Nattycan City
Bronze: Glove World

Scotty, Kevin, Marc

Once again, our travel team proved to be our top team, as the most critically acclaimed and financially successful movie of all time swept in like a hurricane, destroying everything in their path like the literal hurricane that destroyed the set the movie was filmed on. Kudos to Kevin, who is our first back-to-back champ and our first two-time champ. You’re a real piece of shit, Kev.

Silver: Nasty Perros
Bronze: Buttsville

Jon, Kelsey, Smiley, Emma

Baby got back to the final four, and this time, they took it all home. Armed with flexible denim jeans, junk in the trunk, and a desperate thirst for both a Fashionnova sponsorship and victory, the United Butts of America took home the gold. In the process, Jon joins Kevin as our only two-time Beer Olympics champion, which is both a momentous achievement and something that you probably shouldn’t include in your LinkedIn.

Silver: Foot Fetish Federation
Bronze: Team Evil

Reece, Morris, Jacob, Austin

They came. They saw. They avoided their legs atrophying to the point of long-term physical disability. In the first games at our new location, the team about nothing rode their iconic perennially-balding mascot all the way to first place, which is probably the only time George Costanza and winning have been referenced in the same sentence.

Silver: Waystar Royco
Bronze: Strong Sinkers, Gentle Drinkers

Diego, Steve, Eric

With big hats and bigger dreams, they proved the value of wearing bright colors on a hot day and including natural sugars and soluble fiber in your everyday diet. No longer defined solely by having seeds on the inside, these edible products of a tree (or other plant) can now lay claim to the heart of a champion.

Silver: Stankonia
Bronze: Soviet Brewnion

Chris, Lucas, Ezra

While snitches may wind up in ditches, it turns out that sometimes—when the temperature is hot and the beer is oh so drinkable—they can also live forever as champions. Metaphorically. Because in actuality they are quite dead.

Silver: The Sims
Bronze: Costcovia

Diego, Eric, Jerry

Marley was dead, to begin with, but the legend of his drinking would live on forever. With the holidays fast approaching, these three inebriated ephemerals took home the gold while teaching us all a valuable lesson on side beer allotment and not being a cheap-ass bitch in 19th-century London.

Silver: Wu-Tang Cans
Bronze: Rocklandia

Reece, Marshall, Austin

When a caucasian Christmas cabal is activated and the military-industrial complex comes a-calling, the only reasonable response is some light smuggling, lighter beers, and even lighter DUIs. In these trying times™, they’re drinking truth to power, but only in small, reasonable quantities.

Silver: The Chug Republic
Bronze: The Liberal Snowflakes