HALL OF CHAMPIONS
True Olympians compete for the love of the game, the love of their country, and the love of competition in its purest form. These people just got really drunk. But fuck it. Here they are.
Known for their abundant harvests of starchy tubers and love of cage fighting.
2018 SUMMER OLYMPICS
Gold: Genovia
Izzy, Gabby, Intern Brian
Winners of both the games and the equally important “best dressed” competition, the frizzy-haired young Anne Hathaways used matching uniforms and unorthodox beer pong releases to win gold despite two shotgunning setbacks (one, a daring act of hubris; the other, an idiotic act of being a total idiot) and the adversity that comes with the fact that one of their members was nothing but a lowly intern.
Silver: BIRDDog Nation
Bronze: Petoria
90% of their GDP comes from their two major exports: boxes of chocolates and Wilson brand volleyballs
2018 FALL OLYMPICS
Gold: Krakhozia
Jon, Clara, Derek
Despite a last-second reshuffling of members and an incredibly difficult to spell name, the transitory residents of JFK’s Terminal 4 used hard-work, determination, and a nebulous attraction to Catherine Zeta-Jones to go from the lowest seed in the playoffs, all the way to the Gold medal, cementing themselves as champions and making Jon the first two-time medal winner in Beer Olympics history.
Silver: Flavortown
Bronze: Rajneeshpuram / Canada
Some believe that the earth actually gets flatter each year, meaning that it will eventually be concave.
Various subreddits believe that Waterworld is actually a documentary. And also, that it didn’t suck.
On that day, we were all the peach state
Like Bobby Bonilla, some say he is still being paid by a NY-based baseball team despite doing nothing for years
The appealing side of “fruits and veggies”
Dem quarterly earnings doe
Allegedly just a bit of undigested beef
2019 SPRING OLYMPICS
Gold: Flat Earth
Augie, Kevin, Max
Our first full travel team to attend the olympics, the lack of the existence of the Earth’s gravitational pull didn’t stop them from taking home the gold, winning a one-shot play-in to take their division, then taking the semis and finals in a fashion that was almost as epic as the 150-foot tall ice wall that surrounds the edge of the world and prevents us from falling into space.
Silver: Nattycan City
Bronze: Glove World
2022 SPRING OLYMPICS
Gold: Waterworld (feat. Kevin Costner)
Scotty, Kevin, Marc
Once again, our travel team proved to be our top team, as the most critically acclaimed and financially successful movie of all time swept in like a hurricane, destroying everything in their path like the literal hurricane that destroyed the set the movie was filmed on. Kudos to Kevin, who is our first back-to-back champ and our first two-time champ. You’re a real piece of shit, Kev.
Silver: Nasty Perros
Bronze: Buttsville
2022 SUMMER OLYMPICS
Gold: United Butts of America
Jon, Kelsey, Smiley, and Emma
Baby got back to the final four, and this time, they took it all home. Armed with flexible denim jeans, junk in the trunk, and a desperate thirst for both a Fashionnova sponsorship and victory, the United Butts of America took home the gold. In the process, Jon joins Kevin as our only two-time Beer Olympics champion, which is both a momentous achievement and something that you probably shouldn’t include in your LinkedIn.
Silver: Foot Fetish Federation
Bronze: Team Evil
2023 Summer Olympics
Gold: The Summer of George
Reece, Morris, Jacob, and Austin
They came. They saw. They avoided their legs atrophying to the point of long-term physical disability. In the first games at our new location, the team about nothing rode their iconic perennially-balding mascot all the way to first place, which is probably the only time George Costanza and winning have been referenced in the same sentence.
Silver: Waystar Royco
Bronze: Strong Sinkers, Gentle Drinkers
2023 FALL OLYMPICS
Gold: Fruitopia
Diego, Steve, and Eric
With big hats and bigger dreams, they proved the value of wearing bright colors on a hot day and including natural sugars and soluble fiber in your everyday diet. No longer defined solely by having seeds on the inside, these edible products of a tree (or other plant) can now lay claim to the heart of a champion.
Silver: Stankonia
Bronze: Soviet Brewnion
2024 SUMMER OLYMPICS
Gold: Boeing Whistleblowers
Chris, Lucas, and Ezra
While snitches may wind up in ditches, it turns out that sometimes—when the temperature is hot and the beer is oh so drinkable—they can also live forever as champions. Metaphorically. Because in actuality they are quite dead.
Silver: The Sims
Bronze: Costcovia
2024 WINTER OLYMPICS
Gold: The Ghosts of Christmas Passed Out Drunk
Diego, Jerry, and Eric
Marley was dead, to begin with, but the legend of his drinking would live on forever. With the holidays fast approaching, these three inebriated ephemerals took home the gold while teaching us all a valuable lesson on side beer allotment and not being a cheap-ass bitch in 19th-century London.
Silver: Wu-Tang Cans
Bronze: Rocklandia
2025 WINTER OLYMPICS
Gold: A Few Small Beers
Reece, Marshall, and Austin
When a caucasian Christmas cabal is activated and the military-industrial complex comes a-calling, the only reasonable response is some light smuggling, lighter beers, and even lighter DUIs. In these trying times™, they’re drinking truth to power, but only in small, reasonable quantities.
Silver: The Chug Republic
Bronze: The Liberal Snowflakes